My Reverse Bucket List or If I Was Queen of America

1. Never, ever, under any circumstances get roped into participating in a marathon. If ever the need arises to sweat and chafe profusely in front of strangers, remember the joy of bathing suit season at the local clothing boutique. Said urge will immediately dissipate.

2. Accept that Best Picture winners at the Oscars will inevitably be one of the following:

• Too long
• Too “artsy” for anyone other than the director and 5^th year Humanities majors to understand
• Have a coma-inducing plotline rife with unrealistic scenarios, unlikable protagonists, wooden dialogue
• A movie no one in the at-home viewing audience will have ever seen or have a desire to see

3. Spread the message that the promise “Coming Soon” is open to interpretation. Dear Retail Store: what does “soon” mean to you? Soon could be tomorrow or 3 years from now. TELL ME WHEN MY LOCAL BEN N JERRY’S ESTABLISHMENT WILL GRACE ME WITH ITS PRESENCE. TELL ME NOW. Saying you will open “soon” is the retail equivalent of chastely kissing your prom date. Like I did because I’m a lady, DAD.

4. Dole out free throat punches to people who say, “I could care less” when they mean “I couldn’t care less.”

5. Equip all vehicle front bumpers with a Gatling. Deploy fire exchange at any vehicle that is in the right exit lane without needing to exit.

6. Also, anyone in the fast lane who makes subsequent vehicles break cruise control. Go fast or get shot.

7. Disable everyone’s “reply to all” button. Nothing good ever comes from replying to all.

8. When attending a work meeting, always carry a small bag of angry woodpeckers with you. When someone non-ironically employs any of the buzzwords and/or catchphrases listed below, free the woodpeckers. You may choose to jubilantly shout, “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” as the woodpeckers inevitably peck out the eyes of the offending party. Loathed words/phrases:

•        Harvest low-hanging fruit
•        Shoot from the hip
•        Synergy
•        Let’s table this discussion until we can ruminate offline
•        Touch base
•        Buck the system
•        Think outside the box
•        High burner
•        Central belly-button
•        Singing from the same sheet of music

 9. Stop low-flow toilets. Some things require high-flow; this is a great motto for life.

 10. As punishment, when a fellow movie theater patron spends the entire two hour experience exuberantly kicking the back of your chair, force them to take your “I’m-too-cool-to-be-alive” teenager around the block for a short drive. Encourage said teen to spend the car ride listing all the ways his/her parents are stupid and lacking in teenage wisdom and know-how. This is a guaranteed cure; the seat kicker will return mere seconds later with a quivering lip and hollow, vacant eyes. He or she will apologize profusely and promise to never so much as step foot in a public theater again as long as you, The Stupid Parent, take back your teenager. Immediately, if not sooner.