Monday, July 2, 2012

Chuck Norris Approved Cover Letter

I, Michelle, take you, Oh Mighty Oklahoma Corporation, to be my lawful place of employment. I swear, with God as my witness to bring my extensive experience with logistics, sustainment program management, and mechanical organization to the proverbial table. I can also offer you, if you play your hiring cards right, unparalleled devotion, loyalty, and creativity. I vow to positively contribute daily to the interoffice dynamic, employee morale, customer relations (in the non-Biblical sense because I’m a lady), and overall workplace environment by pledging the following:
While engaging in electronic mail (e-mail) correspondence, I will never “reply to all” when a simple “reply” is sufficient. I think we can all agree, nothing good ever comes from replying to all.

I fervently pledge to remember we live in a fast-paced, technologically advanced society. As such, I will employee interoffice communication devices, e-mail, and when appropriate, personal visits. I will NOT send an e-mail request and immediately follow-up with an instant message, an uninvited desk visit during lunch break, or a rambling voicemail that is cut off after 3 minutes because I spent the first 2 repeating, “Hello? Bob? Are you there? Is this on? I hate hearing myself on voicemail, don’t you?” etc. I also will not kill trees by using carbon copies in triplicate form when a simple e-mail will suffice. As you can surmise, when given the choice, I choose Planet Earth AND comprehensive prevention of rage-inducing snafus.

Once, when employed as a Staffing Representative, I had the unfortunate task of speaking before a federal judge, on behalf of my employer, in a case involving a former employee. To summarize, said employee found his job duties increasingly stressful. Rather than taking full advantage of the company’s wide array of counseling services, he made what would turn out to be an ill-fated decision. Stressed and tired after a hard day’s work, he chose to unwind with 5 pounds of uncut cocaine and a lady of the evening, courtesy of his company credit card. As it turns out, this coping mechanism was deeply frowned upon in corporate culture. Having learned a wise and valuable lesson from these abysmal relaxation techniques, I vow to you that in seasons of pressure and tension, I will choose morally upstanding and fiscally responsible methods of stress management. I fully commit, here and now in front of the entire staff reading this cover letter, to remain drug and prostitute free, especially during, but not limited to, times of employment distress.

I promise to dress professionally and in an age-appropriate manner. This means you will never see me sporting a faux-hawk, hipster horn-rimmed glasses with plastic lenses, the ever popular neckerchief, skinny jeans, knickers, "rompers", or facial tattoos.

I will honor the unspoken social contract of personal space, particularly when in a cubicle setting.
As a stepmother, I have been given the gift of near constant denigration in the form of 2 know-it-all teenagers; I can assure you I can take constructive criticism unlike, shall we say, LeBron James. I vow to strive for continuous self and professional improvement, especially if corporate season tickets to Thunder games are given as a tangible incentive.
While both my military and industry experience have afforded me the qualifications to appropriately utilize buzzwords, jargon, and catchphrases, I vow to never, under most circumstances*, use the following idioms:

  • Take that offline
  • Core competencies
  • Bottom line return on investment
  • Out of the loop
  • Central belly button
  • Customer Centric
  • Buck stops here
  • At the end of the day
  • Shoot for the moon, for if you miss, you’ll still be among the stars

*If one of the listed expressions is all that stands between me and a Buzzword Bingo victory, I shall with a heavy heart, relent.
These are my solemn vows to you, Oh Mighty Oklahoma Corporation.

Thank you for your consideration,
Michelle Jolie-Pitt
President, Team Awesome, 29 Years