Milo and Otis's 101 Ways to Terrorize the 'Hood

Dear Sir,

Your dogs are very cute and appear to be quite lovable scamps. But, there’s always a “but” isn’t there? But, they are free roam wherever their hearts desire for the better part of each day. Unfortunately, this desire is apparently to be ramblin’ dogs, rolling stones, restless souls. While I think we can all agree that it’s one of life’s greatest joys to watch Old Yellar and Lassie bound through ponds and yip at one another as they undertake life’s great adventure, it’s equally not fun to clean up trash strewn over 19 acres of land because these very same enchanting dogs have toppled our garbage cans over for the 12^th time this week. It’s also a bummer to step out of our front door at 6am to let our dog relieve himself only to have him assailed by your pack of waiting dogs. The postman agrees, being chased by your 7 (!) dogs anytime any of us leaves the comfort of our homes or cars is an unnecessary irritant. Perhaps we’ve misread your crew. It’s quite possible their lungs are full of the wandering Oklahoma wind and their hearts swell with the bliss only a dog and his bone can fully understand. Even still, this ecstasy is demonstrated in ways we simply can no longer tolerate.

I think you’ll agree, on the list of the Top 10 Ways to Not Ring in a New Year is being awoken at 8am by Marley and Company vigorously barrel rolling into properly stored trash canisters in an attempt to topple them over. This morning fun was followed up by our dog, kept inside our home for our neighbors’ convenience, barking for the next 2 hours as your dogs used our porch as their personal dog run.

Please keep your dogs on your property or assist our entire neighborhood in cleaning up the trash your dogs tear through EVERY.SINGLE.WEEK. We love dogs. We just also love our trash to remain in the rubbish bins and our walkways to remain free from ankle-deep mounds of fresh, steaming excrement. I have a dream, a dream in which your 7 (!) best friends and our neighborhood’s four-legged family members can romp and play freely in their respective yards without the stray holiday turkey carcass, empty wrapping paper tubes, dirty diapers, and coffee grounds from our collective garbage being strung from here to Shawnee.   

We agree, all dogs go to heaven, they are man’s best friend, and they are downright cute. Please don’t let your dogs change this view for us.  If we have to, we will not hesitate to punch a puppy right in his face.

 Sincerely,

Your Neighbors

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